No matter where you are in the world, you’d know at least something about the United States election. Even if you were completely separated from all possible media and lived as a midget hermit in a subterranean alien cave in Antarctica, you would still subliminally or telepathically know that some dude who should have an afro is battling it on with an old dumb guy who defies the laws of old age and common sense. This is a phenomenon that I can only explain with Douglas Adams’ law of bad news.


Who is Obama? This is what the subterranean Antarctican midget hermit thinks.


The rest of the world breathes a heavy sigh of relief from the fact that it is finally coming to a close after a whole year of agonising campaigning and deceptive, vitriol-encrusted politics, but at the same time the world cringes at the thought of enduring another four years of Republican neo-conservative madness. If you’re reading this, this proves I need not explain why John McCain and Sarah Palin are at the very bottom rung of human evolution (mainly because you’re able to read, but also because you’ve likely heard it all before thanks to the immense social commentary available from anyone on the Internet that has a three-digit IQ).

What I never read about during all this campaigning, and wish more people WOULD write about or report, is how throughout all this a lot of TV reports were about how many blacks supported Barack Obama, or how many women supported Hillary Clinton when she was still running, as though it actually mattered. First, let me say that people who use anything relayed from TV to change their political views should not be allowed to vote. Regardless, when I was forced to watch this vomit, I rolled my eyes so far back in my skull they were almost severed at the nerve.

This is one of the only things that makes me want to watch two cranes dueling each other in order to calm myself down. How do they get away with this? It’s completely irrelevant and it is things like these that help catalyse people into being racist or sexist in the first place. It’s as though these news reporters have the audacity to think that people don’t care about the actual policies of the candidates, but about the private, static traits they have. This should have no place in the modern world, but, of course, the sad truth is that people do care about them — which is precisely why good politicians are never voted. Stupid people care — but we all know stupid people outnumber smart people, thanks to a variety of things, but I will just blame Generation X for being horny bastards again.


A crane duel is needed to calm my disgust. Original here.


Smart thinking, America. Supporting someone because of their skin colour and not their policies? What’s next, supporting someone because of their diet or clothes? Oh wait, the latter has already happened with the Republican VP candidate. There are no limits to stupidity. The only thing that’s more pathetic is that this is how the mainstream candidates advertised themselves to people, because they know this is the only thing most of them care about, and if they didn’t appease this idiotic ritual they wouldn’t have a chance at getting elected. They don’t advertise their actual policies. Need proof? Go watch any of Obama’s speeches on Youtube; all of them are great speeches indeed, but is that really relevant?* This is what gets shitty politicians voted in, and people STILL haven’t learned from past mistakes.

*While Obama does talk about a lot of sensationalist rhetoric, he at least tries to advertise some of his policies here and there. This is much better than any other ‘mainstream’ candidate I’ve seen in history, and I’m not just talking about the US, so I commend him for trying to incorporate it through the thick skulls of most voters, while McCain goes the troglodytic route to smear Obama constantly, because he has absolutely no substance. Moron.

If their actual policies were judged then you might see people like Ron Paul, Dennis Kucinich, or Mike Gravel — REAL politicians who cut out all the bullshit — given some attention. But people don’t want that; they’re too busy watching shitty mainstream media about how half of all Americans are obese while scarfing down a super-sized Big Mac meal and are utterly amazed by Britney Spears’ baby’s grandmother’s sister who’s had an abortion with Jessica Alba. No, just vote for the guy who keeps the status quo while allowing Wall Street criminals to continue stealing all of your money.



Most of the candidates were so horribly pathetic. McCain doesn’t even know how to use a computer and is basically a complete dumbass, and Obama uses the word ‘change’ so much it makes me want to have ten aneurysms in a row while drilling my skull with a pneumatic toothpick. I like Obama, but you have to look at the some cold hard facts: he supports AIPAC, or ‘legalised terrorism’. He supports FISA, which unconstitutionally strips you of your freedoms, and he isn’t against invading Iran. If his positions on these major issues weren’t the same as everyone else’s, I’d happily consume his sensationalism. Unfortunately, not everyone is perfect.

Indeed, the US election sucks. It sucks because it reminds me of the melancholic fact that there are so many sub-humans that share most of my DNA; even if Obama does win, this truth remains: millions of my own species voted for the other… thing. It disgusts me, and will disgust future generations when or if they evolve to my level. That being said, Australian politics is not only worse, but much more boring. Kevin Rudd is quite possibly the most incompetent fool I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing in power. But I will save that story for another time, where he will have Australian Internet traffic under fascist rule, just like his friends do in China, North Korea, and Burma.


I’ll stop myself here before I go on a tangent, or I’d have to watch another crane duel. November 4th, hurry up already.

4 Responses to “The US election sucks.”
  1. pampkinz says:

    so what, you’re saying you’re not a mavrick?

    bit late i know.
    hurry up and make a new post.

  2. xarcos says:

    If I heard the words ‘maverick’ or ‘my friends’ again, I’m going to detonate a nuclear kitten. In someone’s mouth. It will be most painful.

    Next one is coming soon.

  3. lsd says:

    hi my name is DWARF i wish i was as AWESOME AS YOU

    too bad i’m not BOO HOO here is some angst from complete my lack of hair BECAUSE I SET IT ON FIRE HA!


  4. Michael J. Fox says:

    Obamarama has allowed the continuation of stem cell research. OBAMA ROCKS MY ROASTARAMA BOWLARAMA LLAMARAMA

Leave a Reply