No, they really don’t.  In fact, I’ve always had the firm belief that the number of friends you have on your horribly designed profile that you created using your own faeces and some instructional site your half-retarded 13-year-old cousin told you about is inversely proportional to how witty and exciting you are.

I intentionally keep my lists down to a bare minimum.  It’s a theory I’ve had about people and societies, which I will explain later.  I don’t add hambeasts, who have more friends than they can count to, that clearly don’t know anyone on their own lists more than the potted cactus they keep on their desk (which conveniently has a better personality than them too).  I constantly get requests from people I’ve never met; it seems that they think that just because they went to the same school as me, or attended a bag-making convention, they should have the privilege of being my “virtual friend”.  Don’t associate yourself with me — you are most definitely a crap.

Let me try and explain it with more clarity.  If you have a vast number of people on your list, this does not reflect your popularity.  If you have more than 100 friends on your social faggotry site, do yourself a favour and pierce your skull with a bullet.  Please.  If you’re trying to promote something, DO IT THE PROPER WAY AND PURCHASE A WEB SOLUTION.  Everyone hates people like you, because you’re stupid.  You only add imaginary friends to your shitty sites that no-one cares about so you can feel better about yourself due to the failures you constantly experience in your real-life.  It’s a mental condition.

.

The red doesnt represent blood.  It represents the pestilence these people put upon everyone.

The red does not represent blood.  It represents the pestilence these people put upon everyone.

.

Now, you might be wondering about my number theory.  I call it Xarcosian Prime Theory Alpha.  It states: the more people there are in a society, the stupider that society is.  If you’re at least mildly intelligent, take a look around you.  The post-1950s ‘baby boomer’ generation (which makes me vomit in my mouth a little every time I have to call it that) effectively destroyed more human intelligence than ever before in history (well, not counting the dark ages) by producing so many stupid people.  Thanks for wrecking my species you horny assholes.  You bred stupid people and now the smart people are in constant agony because their non-stupidness isn’t recognised, all due to the wonders of democracy and the fallacy that quantity is greater than quality.

However, you want some proof.  Luckily, this proof is extremely easy to obtain.  Look at the United States.  While not necessarily a bad country, it is certainly one of the dumbest; the US is so stupid they have more people starving than Australia’s entire population, which tipped the scales of ‘fattest country on earth’ — technically, Australia is the fattest country now, but that’s only because it doesn’t have millions of people in fucking poverty.  They’re so stupid they don’t even have socialised healthcare.  Some schools even teach creationism, which is probably the most hilariously stupid thing I’ve ever heard.  They have child rapist camps (I’m going to call them that) which forcefully marry 13-year-old girls to bald 71-year-old flaccid men.  Their government creates illegal wars, and, worst of all, they have Oprah Winfrey.

I could go on, but I’ll stop there because I think you get the point.  What does this mean though?  Think.  The population of the US is something like 300 million.  That is a lot of people, and according to my theory, this makes the US very stupid.  There are many other countries that, likewise, are very stupid, but I’ll let you figure them out for yourself.

On the other hand, this means countries with small amounts of people are very smart.  This is correct.  Contrasting the US, Sweden, for example, has only about nine million people, and they’re more than likely the epitome of what hundreds of thousands of years of human development should actually be capable of.  Israel, too, only has about seven million, and are the technological pioneers of the world.  Although Israel also likes killing a lot of people while at the same time giving tonnes of cash to poor countries so they can build weapons, at least they actually produce something instead of just being obese.  Disregarding the political issues about Israel (because they are ad hominem infinitum), without them we probably wouldn’t have mobile phones, CPUs that aren’t completely worthless, or any developments in nanotechnology.

.

Xarcosian Prime Theory Alpha at work.

Xarcosian Prime Theory Alpha at work.

.

My knowledge and theories are infallible.  When you’re at the pinnacle of ethics and logic you often have to feign stupidity in order to allow other, simpler people, to understand what you mean.

.

PS. I may have made some things up.  Maybe.

I was cleaning out some old documents the other day, and I happened to stumble upon a story I wrote when I was 15 or 16.  It was quite possibly the greatest story I have ever read, and I’m not surprised that it was written by yours truly.

I decided to take a photo of each page to preserve the authenticity of this masterpiece.

The greatest story ever.

I would’ve written this in 2002, when I was in year 11.  Unfortunately, there are a few inside jokes, but they aren’t too obscure.  You can work it out pretty easily; if you’re one of the people who it’s about, all the better!

I remember that I wrote this during some class, and I showed this to the students, who promptly wet their pants and started worshipping me.  It was pleasing seeing them bow before my superior intellect and extremely good writing skills.

.

On an unrelated note, I’m being stalked by some sycophantic ham-slicer from the Internet.  At this very moment, they are filming me from the bushes outside my house.  So, if you’re reading this: stop stealing my wireless bandwidth, asshole.  But feel free to continue your acts of perversion should you feed me with hams.  I love hams!

I confess.  The only reason I even read Dune, or harboured any kind of interest in it, was because of Westwood’s Dune II, back in 1992.  I was six years old and I played it on an almost daily basis for the next few years of my childhood.  It was a most excellent game, but it had one minor drawback for me — I never really understood what the hell it was about, other than what my intuition told me, and the occasional dribbling from my brother (which I later found out was mostly wrong, just like he is with everything).  Of course, this really didn’t matter too much because if you’ve played Dune II you’d know that it could’ve been about a peg-legged transvestite from Procyon and it still would’ve torn out your ovaries with its awesomeness.

.

Emperor Frederick Corrino in Dune II was designed after David Lynch, because Westwood understood how much of an asshole he was.

.

When Frank Herbert (author of the Dune book itself) died in 1986, David Lynch decided to destroy his work by making an abomination of a movie about his relative masterpiece.  Herbert was rolling in his grave so fast he could’ve supplied half of the USA with perpetual power.

A few days ago I decided to watch the Dune mini-series, which was produced in 2000.  I never bothered to watch it before because I expected that it’d be just as terrible as a festering pile of discarded foetuses (also known as Lynch’s adaptation).

To my surprise, however, my expectations were wrong.  First off, the mini-series wasn’t what should have been an abortion.  It kept somewhat true to the book and conveyed a lot of the story over in a fluid way, especially by preserving the socio-political-religious context which was what made the book great.  The method in which it does this allows people who’ve never read Dune to actually understand it, instead of being pummeled in the crotch with a jackhammer.  Oh, and Chani is hot.

.

He even looks like one.

.

The worst thing about Lynch’s version were the ornithopters.  I cannot get over how ridiculously poor their design was.  Let me try to turn my disgust in words; an ornithopter is supposed to be a type of aircraft that functions like a bird; flapping its wings to stay in flight.  Lynch, however, thought that this was the equivalent of drawing a triangle on a piece of paper and calling it a day.  I bet a disabled, one-armed monkey could have urinated out a better design.  Words do no justice:

.

I spent as much effort drawing this as I did writing this article.  Clearly, I should be a science fiction prop designer.

.

I was a bit curious about what people have rated the two adaptations, and even though I always thought IMDB’s opinion on anything was about as extensive as Paris Hilton’s knowledge of evolution, curiosity got the better of me.  It, of course, only reinforced the fact that to be a movie ‘reviewer’ you inherently had to suffer from cerebral palsy.  I don’t even want to relay the results because it’s obvious Lynch paid everyone who rated his one above two stars.  I’m not sure what he paid them with, though, but I’m assuming it was a detailed picture of his hair.

.

I can really only think of two redeeming traits about Lynch’s version.

One: it laid some foundation for the Dune games by Westwood, whose graphic portrayal of characters look superior to any of the movies.

.

Stilgar from the original Dune game, looking stalwart, contrasted with what can only be described as ‘condombeast’, from the 2000 movie adaptation.

.

Two: Patrick Stewart.  If it wasn’t for Pat, this movie could have quite possibly caused a deadly epidemic of photon-borne AIDS.

Don’t ever mess with Patrick Stewart.

« Previous EntriesNext Entries »