Posts Tagged “angst”

Why is it that nearly every continuation of a game or series in response to it being popular is almost always shitty?  Is this some unwritten rule somewhere?  The truth of this hits me hard — is it maybe just human nature to expect a sequel to be as good, if not better than the original, giving it unfair judgment?  …Nah, they’re just shitty.

This isn’t just limited to games; it’s applied with movies and books too.  In fact, it’s even WORSE with some movies, primarily when they’re based off of something else — Dune, Doom, Mortal Kombat… they were all complete ass.  I have to commend 1984 for almost capturing the actual theme of the book, a feat which is seemingly beyond the ability of pretty much every director.  But that’s just relatively speaking; it’s like saying this piece of shit smells better than these other pieces of shit. I can’t continue talking about this subject because it gives me a brain hemorrhage, and I’ve covered some of my angst about movies already in a previous article.  Yeah, covered it up with the dried up vomit of a wildebeest.

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Looking at something much more recent and appropriate to this subject, Left 4 Dead 2 has got to be one of the most laughable additions to the greed and general retardation of game producers.  Sure, it’ll probably not be a shitty sequel, but it’s clearly being milked for all its worth, especially considering that the first game wasn’t even completed.  However, I’m taken aback because this is a game by Valve, one of the only companies (if not THE only company) that feels like it has staff who play games and actually don’t suck at them.  Why would they do this?  Are they insane?  Did Dick Cheney possess their producers and turn them into complete assholes?  I tried to figure this conundrum in comic form:

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I’m not going to write an exhaustive list of all the shitty sequels there have been over the years, but here’s just a few:

Everything after Quake III (arguably Quake III was partially ass too): ASS.
Everything after Carmageddon I: ASS.
Everything after Heroes of Might and Magic III: ASS.
Everything after Mortal Kombat III: ASS.
Every last *Quest game from Sierra before they died: ASS.
Half of the Need for Speed sequels: ASS.
Star Control III: ASS.
Dune 2000: ASS.

Blizzard seem to be the only guys who get it right.  I don’t know how though, because they appear to have the same shitty qualities that most of the industry possesses — money first, creativity/gameplay second.  Maybe Chris Metzen is actually Jesus.

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Cynicism rearing its ugly yet intricate head, I wager that the reason most sequels are shitty is because the companies know that people will buy a sequel if it’s based off a good game.  This way, they’ll have ensured sales because they take advantage of the fact that consumers are mostly idiots, while limiting the budget — hence, making a shitty game that will sell anyway due to reputation.  In fact, most of the early 90s console games seemed to thrive off of this fact.  Either gamers were even stupider back then, or they were far more desperate.  The general mentality would go something like this: “Oh, look!  A game based of something that was popular!  I’m going to buy it, even though it has the playability of a leper strapped into an iron maiden while trying to imitate Beethoven with a pair of chopsticks.”

This is a testament to the cowardice of game producers.  Money kills originality.

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There’s a reason a lot of retro games are still popular, and it’s not just because of nostalgia. It’s because they didn’t have asshole producers trying to make a quick buck, riding on the coattails of a game or label’s reputation and cutting corners in the gameplay and originality departments.  Admittedly, using recycled ideas is fine most of the time — as long as you’re not a prick about it.  How do these people sleep at night, knowing that the majority of their consumers were people too dumb to handle their own money?

No, they really don’t.  In fact, I’ve always had the firm belief that the number of friends you have on your horribly designed profile that you created using your own faeces and some instructional site your half-retarded 13-year-old cousin told you about is inversely proportional to how witty and exciting you are.

I intentionally keep my lists down to a bare minimum.  It’s a theory I’ve had about people and societies, which I will explain later.  I don’t add hambeasts, who have more friends than they can count to, that clearly don’t know anyone on their own lists more than the potted cactus they keep on their desk (which conveniently has a better personality than them too).  I constantly get requests from people I’ve never met; it seems that they think that just because they went to the same school as me, or attended a bag-making convention, they should have the privilege of being my “virtual friend”.  Don’t associate yourself with me — you are most definitely a crap.

Let me try and explain it with more clarity.  If you have a vast number of people on your list, this does not reflect your popularity.  If you have more than 100 friends on your social faggotry site, do yourself a favour and pierce your skull with a bullet.  Please.  If you’re trying to promote something, DO IT THE PROPER WAY AND PURCHASE A WEB SOLUTION.  Everyone hates people like you, because you’re stupid.  You only add imaginary friends to your shitty sites that no-one cares about so you can feel better about yourself due to the failures you constantly experience in your real-life.  It’s a mental condition.

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The red doesnt represent blood.  It represents the pestilence these people put upon everyone.

The red does not represent blood.  It represents the pestilence these people put upon everyone.

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Now, you might be wondering about my number theory.  I call it Xarcosian Prime Theory Alpha.  It states: the more people there are in a society, the stupider that society is.  If you’re at least mildly intelligent, take a look around you.  The post-1950s ‘baby boomer’ generation (which makes me vomit in my mouth a little every time I have to call it that) effectively destroyed more human intelligence than ever before in history (well, not counting the dark ages) by producing so many stupid people.  Thanks for wrecking my species you horny assholes.  You bred stupid people and now the smart people are in constant agony because their non-stupidness isn’t recognised, all due to the wonders of democracy and the fallacy that quantity is greater than quality.

However, you want some proof.  Luckily, this proof is extremely easy to obtain.  Look at the United States.  While not necessarily a bad country, it is certainly one of the dumbest; the US is so stupid they have more people starving than Australia’s entire population, which tipped the scales of ‘fattest country on earth’ — technically, Australia is the fattest country now, but that’s only because it doesn’t have millions of people in fucking poverty.  They’re so stupid they don’t even have socialised healthcare.  Some schools even teach creationism, which is probably the most hilariously stupid thing I’ve ever heard.  They have child rapist camps (I’m going to call them that) which forcefully marry 13-year-old girls to bald 71-year-old flaccid men.  Their government creates illegal wars, and, worst of all, they have Oprah Winfrey.

I could go on, but I’ll stop there because I think you get the point.  What does this mean though?  Think.  The population of the US is something like 300 million.  That is a lot of people, and according to my theory, this makes the US very stupid.  There are many other countries that, likewise, are very stupid, but I’ll let you figure them out for yourself.

On the other hand, this means countries with small amounts of people are very smart.  This is correct.  Contrasting the US, Sweden, for example, has only about nine million people, and they’re more than likely the epitome of what hundreds of thousands of years of human development should actually be capable of.  Israel, too, only has about seven million, and are the technological pioneers of the world.  Although Israel also likes killing a lot of people while at the same time giving tonnes of cash to poor countries so they can build weapons, at least they actually produce something instead of just being obese.  Disregarding the political issues about Israel (because they are ad hominem infinitum), without them we probably wouldn’t have mobile phones, CPUs that aren’t completely worthless, or any developments in nanotechnology.

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Xarcosian Prime Theory Alpha at work.

Xarcosian Prime Theory Alpha at work.

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My knowledge and theories are infallible.  When you’re at the pinnacle of ethics and logic you often have to feign stupidity in order to allow other, simpler people, to understand what you mean.

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PS. I may have made some things up.  Maybe.

Probably one of the dumbest people I know who can spell, Luxyy proves that even with two degrees you can still be a completely retarded douche.  The reason I don’t cut him off from communicating to me all together is because 1% of the time he’ll say something mildly amusing.  Now, you may think my standards are low, but I assure you, the reason for this is a more akin to having a monkey in a pink dress imprisoned in a cage so that you can make fun of its hygiene as it constantly shits all over itself.

It’s not that everything he says is wrong — no, it’s that he’s so idiotic and textbook in everything he believes; he can’t understand any concept that isn’t canon or verbatim.  It’s pathetic.  You know why?  Because a simple computer is smarter than him.

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Luxyy is stupid.

Dave, a respected scholar, understands how stupid Luxyy is.

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Sometimes, when explaining immense stupidity, simple words are insufficient.  This is one such case.  To attempt to put this monster of failed intellect into something other than text, here is a well-drawn, graphic representation of a typical conversation with Luxyy:

Luxyy is very stupid.

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Luxyy, here’s a suggestion: next time you flap your giant, fat-encrusted mouth and fail to argue any conceivable point, try to remove your face from the endless depths of your corpulent ass.  That is, if it isn’t permanently stuck there, thanks to you being completely oblivious of an invention known as a ’shaving razor’.