xarcosis

No matter where you are in the world, you’d know at least something about the United States election. Even if you were completely separated from all possible media and lived as a midget hermit in a subterranean alien cave in Antarctica, you would still subliminally or telepathically know that some dude who should have an afro is battling it on with an old dumb guy who defies the laws of old age and common sense. This is a phenomenon that I can only explain with Douglas Adams’ law of bad news.

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Who is Obama? This is what the subterranean Antarctican midget hermit thinks.

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The rest of the world breathes a heavy sigh of relief from the fact that it is finally coming to a close after a whole year of agonising campaigning and deceptive, vitriol-encrusted politics, but at the same time the world cringes at the thought of enduring another four years of Republican neo-conservative madness. If you’re reading this, this proves I need not explain why John McCain and Sarah Palin are at the very bottom rung of human evolution (mainly because you’re able to read, but also because you’ve likely heard it all before thanks to the immense social commentary available from anyone on the Internet that has a three-digit IQ).

What I never read about during all this campaigning, and wish more people WOULD write about or report, is how throughout all this a lot of TV reports were about how many blacks supported Barack Obama, or how many women supported Hillary Clinton when she was still running, as though it actually mattered. First, let me say that people who use anything relayed from TV to change their political views should not be allowed to vote. Regardless, when I was forced to watch this vomit, I rolled my eyes so far back in my skull they were almost severed at the nerve.

This is one of the only things that makes me want to watch two cranes dueling each other in order to calm myself down. How do they get away with this? It’s completely irrelevant and it is things like these that help catalyse people into being racist or sexist in the first place. It’s as though these news reporters have the audacity to think that people don’t care about the actual policies of the candidates, but about the private, static traits they have. This should have no place in the modern world, but, of course, the sad truth is that people do care about them — which is precisely why good politicians are never voted. Stupid people care — but we all know stupid people outnumber smart people, thanks to a variety of things, but I will just blame Generation X for being horny bastards again.

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A crane duel is needed to calm my disgust. Original here.

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Smart thinking, America. Supporting someone because of their skin colour and not their policies? What’s next, supporting someone because of their diet or clothes? Oh wait, the latter has already happened with the Republican VP candidate. There are no limits to stupidity. The only thing that’s more pathetic is that this is how the mainstream candidates advertised themselves to people, because they know this is the only thing most of them care about, and if they didn’t appease this idiotic ritual they wouldn’t have a chance at getting elected. They don’t advertise their actual policies. Need proof? Go watch any of Obama’s speeches on Youtube; all of them are great speeches indeed, but is that really relevant?* This is what gets shitty politicians voted in, and people STILL haven’t learned from past mistakes.

*While Obama does talk about a lot of sensationalist rhetoric, he at least tries to advertise some of his policies here and there. This is much better than any other ‘mainstream’ candidate I’ve seen in history, and I’m not just talking about the US, so I commend him for trying to incorporate it through the thick skulls of most voters, while McCain goes the troglodytic route to smear Obama constantly, because he has absolutely no substance. Moron.

If their actual policies were judged then you might see people like Ron Paul, Dennis Kucinich, or Mike Gravel — REAL politicians who cut out all the bullshit — given some attention. But people don’t want that; they’re too busy watching shitty mainstream media about how half of all Americans are obese while scarfing down a super-sized Big Mac meal and are utterly amazed by Britney Spears’ baby’s grandmother’s sister who’s had an abortion with Jessica Alba. No, just vote for the guy who keeps the status quo while allowing Wall Street criminals to continue stealing all of your money.

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Most of the candidates were so horribly pathetic. McCain doesn’t even know how to use a computer and is basically a complete dumbass, and Obama uses the word ‘change’ so much it makes me want to have ten aneurysms in a row while drilling my skull with a pneumatic toothpick. I like Obama, but you have to look at the some cold hard facts: he supports AIPAC, or ‘legalised terrorism’. He supports FISA, which unconstitutionally strips you of your freedoms, and he isn’t against invading Iran. If his positions on these major issues weren’t the same as everyone else’s, I’d happily consume his sensationalism. Unfortunately, not everyone is perfect.

Indeed, the US election sucks. It sucks because it reminds me of the melancholic fact that there are so many sub-humans that share most of my DNA; even if Obama does win, this truth remains: millions of my own species voted for the other… thing. It disgusts me, and will disgust future generations when or if they evolve to my level. That being said, Australian politics is not only worse, but much more boring. Kevin Rudd is quite possibly the most incompetent fool I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing in power. But I will save that story for another time, where he will have Australian Internet traffic under fascist rule, just like his friends do in China, North Korea, and Burma.

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I’ll stop myself here before I go on a tangent, or I’d have to watch another crane duel. November 4th, hurry up already.

No, they really don’t.  In fact, I’ve always had the firm belief that the number of friends you have on your horribly designed profile that you created using your own faeces and some instructional site your half-retarded 13-year-old cousin told you about is inversely proportional to how witty and exciting you are.

I intentionally keep my lists down to a bare minimum.  It’s a theory I’ve had about people and societies, which I will explain later.  I don’t add hambeasts, who have more friends than they can count to, that clearly don’t know anyone on their own lists more than the potted cactus they keep on their desk (which conveniently has a better personality than them too).  I constantly get requests from people I’ve never met; it seems that they think that just because they went to the same school as me, or attended a bag-making convention, they should have the privilege of being my “virtual friend”.  Don’t associate yourself with me — you are most definitely a crap.

Let me try and explain it with more clarity.  If you have a vast number of people on your list, this does not reflect your popularity.  If you have more than 100 friends on your social faggotry site, do yourself a favour and pierce your skull with a bullet.  Please.  If you’re trying to promote something, DO IT THE PROPER WAY AND PURCHASE A WEB SOLUTION.  Everyone hates people like you, because you’re stupid.  You only add imaginary friends to your shitty sites that no-one cares about so you can feel better about yourself due to the failures you constantly experience in your real-life.  It’s a mental condition.

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The red does not represent blood.  It represents the pestilence these people put upon everyone.

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Now, you might be wondering about my number theory.  I call it Xarcosian Prime Theory Alpha.  It states: the more people there are in a society, the stupider that society is.  If you’re at least mildly intelligent, take a look around you.  The post-1950s ‘baby boomer’ generation (which makes me vomit in my mouth a little every time I have to call it that) effectively destroyed more human intelligence than ever before in history (well, not counting the dark ages) by producing so many stupid people.  Thanks for wrecking my species you horny assholes.  You bred stupid people and now the smart people are in constant agony because their non-stupidness isn’t recognised, all due to the wonders of democracy and the fallacy that quantity is greater than quality.

However, you want some proof.  Luckily, this proof is extremely easy to obtain.  Look at the United States.  While not necessarily a bad country, it is certainly one of the dumbest; the US is so stupid they have more people starving than Australia’s entire population, which tipped the scales of ‘fattest country on earth’ — technically, Australia is the fattest country now, but that’s only because it doesn’t have millions of people in fucking poverty.  They’re so stupid they don’t even have socialised healthcare.  Some schools even teach creationism, which is probably the most hilariously stupid thing I’ve ever heard.  They have child rapist camps (I’m going to call them that) which forcefully marry 13-year-old girls to bald 71-year-old flaccid men.  Their government creates illegal wars, and, worst of all, they have Oprah Winfrey.

I could go on, but I’ll stop there because I think you get the point.  What does this mean though?  Think.  The population of the US is something like 300 million.  That is a lot of people, and according to my theory, this makes the US very stupid.  There are many other countries that, likewise, are very stupid, but I’ll let you figure them out for yourself.

On the other hand, this means countries with small amounts of people are very smart.  This is correct.  Contrasting the US, Sweden, for example, has only about nine million people, and they’re more than likely the epitome of what hundreds of thousands of years of human development should actually be capable of.  Israel, too, only has about seven million, and are the technological pioneers of the world.  Although Israel also likes killing a lot of people while at the same time giving tonnes of cash to poor countries so they can build weapons, at least they actually produce something instead of just being obese.  Disregarding the political issues about Israel (because they are ad hominem infinitum), without them we probably wouldn’t have mobile phones, CPUs that aren’t completely worthless, or any developments in nanotechnology.

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Xarcosian Prime Theory Alpha at work.

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My knowledge and theories are infallible.  When you’re at the pinnacle of ethics and logic you often have to feign stupidity in order to allow other, simpler people, to understand what you mean.

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PS. I may have made some things up.  Maybe.